I've been sick all weekend so no energy to write something new. The Shemp Institute For Funk is pleased to announce the first entry in the series Classic Shemp, chronicling my adventures in Las Vegas.
Finally, finally, finally, I make it to Las Vegas. I had tickets in hand for Phish's Halloween '98 show in Vegas but because of a close encounter of the worst kind on my way up to Lemonwheel in August of '98, I had no idea what my financial or legal status would be by the time October rolled around so I sold the tickets and put the neon jewel in another wise empty desert on the back burner. Fast forward to 2007. My new addiction is poker and I am not too bad if I say so myself. I won a tourney in June that paid a cool 750 bucks. I wanted to treat myself but wasn't sure with what. Then in July, Vegoose ( a music fest held the last two years in Vegas and put on by the same people who produced Bonnaroo) announced that Rage Against the Machine would be headlining with more bands to follow. For the first two years, the lineup for Vegoose had been very heavy on the jambands and very good nonjamband bands. So I thought, Vegas it is. I booked my ticket and then the rest of the lineup was announced. Too say I was disappointed was an understatement. Three jam bands and a bunch of hip hop, indie bands and crap. So scratch that plan. Whatever would I find in Vegas to occupy my time?
So, I now have a real, nonmusic vacation lined up for the first time since before I was legal voting age. (Yeah I know I'm sick). I was leaving on Thursday the 25 and returning on Monday the 29. At this point my biggest stress was how many condoms to pack. Monday the 21, I get out to my car to go to work at 4:45 AM and the interior fan that would blow heat into my car doesn't work. Hmmm, probably just a fuse. On Wed. it's raining and I go to turn on my windshild wipers and they don't work. Uh oh. Forcast for my drive down to BWI on Thursday, on and off again showers. Thursday morning I change the fuse and nothing. I buy Rain X Water Repellent (I'm their new spokesman), apply very excessively, and hit the road. It was misting and lightly raining, but as I go faster, the more the rain beads up and rolls off the windshield. So I get to the airport with time to spare and get out to Vegas early, no delays, no lines at security check points, and my luggage.
I stayed at the Circus Circus, or the place old gamblers go to die. It's at the end of the Strip and hasn't been redone since it was built in the 60's. The James Bond film "Diamonds are Forever" and "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" were filmed there. They appeal to the family customer base and I've never seen so many kids around so much vice. The sports book, unlike every other casino, still used a whiteboard to put up their odds. So old school, so lame.
Miah went out the week before and told me there seemed to be alot of dumb people playing at the Flamingo, so that's where I headed first. Started out my day there and then went to the Rio, home of the World Series of Poker. Ended the day at the Mirage and was up 100. Not too shabby. Ran into the only Head I saw all weekend. He was trying to figure out where Moe was playing late night and I was looking for my fav herbal supplement. Alas, neither one of us could help the other.
Sat was another story. Start my day out at Harrah's. The vibe in that poker room was like the one at the cafeteria at Aushawitz. Leave and then go back the the Flamingo. I was there a half an hour and get quad 8's. They pay out a bonus for high hands and that got me 118 bucks plus the pot. Take a break, eat lunch and hit the Rio. Lasted ten minutes in that tourney. Back to the Flamingo and hit quad Kings. Another 90 bucks. I'm like butter 'cause I'm on a roll. Then hit the Mirage to play and watch the PSU Ohio St game. The Mirage kicks ass. Right in the heart of the Strip, the have the Beatle's Love production and the Beatle's Revolution Lounge (which while very cool looking, John Lennon wouldn't want anything to do with it). Played alot of Beatle's music. Bet 20 on PSU to cover and they proceeded to get their asses kicked. However, I proceeded to kick ass in Limit. Left there up 300. One dude thought I was Paul Rudd and the guy next to him bore a passing resemlence to Joe Torre.
Very glad Sunday was my last day 'cause my luck had run out. Was down about 200 when it was all said and done but did win 80 on a two team parley on the Steelers and Patriots. Some old, old man sat down at the table and immediately won a 90 dollar pot. Hope he didn't spend it on green bananas. Fly out 6:15 AM and and am eating Jerry & Sal's pizza at 6:15 PM.
A few observations:
I didn't see any hookers on the street or at the bars. But it was Halloween, so who could tell the difference?
Alot of people are complaining that Hispanics are coming over the border and taking jobs from Americans. One job they've totally taken over is the guy handing out flyers for hookers. It was all Hispanics, all the time
Alot of shows out there are just impersonators. They had a Neil Diamond and a Tom Jones impersonator. Um aren't these guys still alive? One show, called The Cage, had guys in drag impersonating female singers, like Liza Minelli, Barbara Strisend, Wynonna Judd, and Michael Jackson!?!?!? I know he's white now, but isn't he still a dude?
The D
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